A Modern Animal

A pretzel a day keeps the VD away…

 I said to myself, “Man, I’d really like a big soft pretzel before going into training for work. Oh, look! A nice New York man selling hot dogs and pretzels and assorted beverages, I think I’ll purchase a pretzel from him. One pretzel please. No, pretzel, no—yes, pretzel.” He took a pretzel from the bowels of his little cart using a napkin, removed the lid from the hot dogs sitting in luke warm water and proceeded to dip my pretzel into the hot dog water so he could then rub my knotted dough into an open saucer of coarse salt. Not content with this preparation he put a dirty metal lid over the charred cubby of flaming paper and discarded hot dog buns and set my snack on top, napkin and all, then covered it with the salt saucer. Five minutes later he handed me the pretzel, soggy napkin adhering to the sticky center.I already paid my two dollars so I cautiously applied brown mustard and took a bite. The brown dough tube tasted like a camp fire with genital warts and my stomach immediately turned. Note to self: don’t order pretzels from street vendors. Fin.

Hey

Bianca….sup? Come back to NY now, kay? 

The Meaning of Life.

I was sautéing (fancy accent via spell check) mushrooms today for lunch (with other food of course, a simple fungus diet is discouraged by three out of four auto mechanics) when I noticed something odd forming in the middle of the frying pan. Sautéing pan. Sorry. I had walked back into my room from the kitchen to see what all the fuss is about with snuff films and when I returned, I saw something  out of this world. Rising from the shitake’s, a sinewing, nay, BILLOWING plume of purple smoke expanded throughout the room, overtaking every sharp angle and pile of dog food (I keep these strategically placed.) I stood rigid with fear, knowing very well what this meant—I had inadvertently called upon the eternal soul of….Heath Ledger. No, no, not the guy who played the Joker in She’s All That, the 14th century navigator from Denver. Everybody knows that a tablespoon of olive oil, half of an organic red onion and nine shitake mushrooms unlocks the door to the spirit world, so you can imagine my frightful dismay as I followed those purple fingers take hold of all my cooking possessions. 

Now, I learned at music college that Heath Ledger was notorious for his fondness of Kleenex Brand Tissues and I always keep some on hand in case something like this should happen. Most historical figures have this paper goods weakness and I am not about to be caught with my pants down and nose running! Or is it pants running, nose down? As I made my way for the toilet with great speed (and agility, I’m pretty awesome,) I realized that rather than attempting to appease the Navigator’s soul, it may be wise to withhold the object of his obsession and gain something for myself. 

Not eleven seconds after I had stashed the Kleenex Brand Tissues in the seat of my slacks I saw the mythical figure appear before me. Heath Ledger! In my kitchen! Wearing a Mets shirt? 

“Ahoy, damned soul! Why hath you summoned me here during the playoffs?” 

“Uh, sir, the Mets didn’t make it into th—”

“Silence! I have TiVo’d the entire season this year, don’t spoil it for me! Too many mushroom meals this year, I miss most of the games. I’ve got a brutal head cold do you have any tissues or napkins or something?” Sir Ledger’s booming voice…well, boomed in my small Brooklyn kitchen.

“I’m all out, I just had a bout with the bug myself. Say, I was hoping you could answer a few questions for me?” I had more confidence than I thought I would, meeting this historical explorer.

“Oh yeah, sure, shoot! Most people say I put them in a really awkward spot when I appear from the purple smoke cloud and they can’t get it together. I usually show up, blow my nose and head back home. What’s up?” I didn’t expect a Jamaican accent from a Denver native. I had been trying to place it as soon as he spoke but you know how confusing southern accents can be.

“Well, let’s see. What do you suppose really happened at the end of Inception? I mean, I was pretty sure he was still dreaming. In fact, I think his wife was right! She finally got out of the dream world by ‘killing’ herself and he was so smug thinking that she was nuts. He stayed in the dream world the whole time, never getting out to begin with which is why he was so tortured by her memories. He was in purgatory the whole time!”

“Dude!” Exclaimed the 14th century boatman. “I didn’t see it yet! Fuck, man, thanks. What’s the point now? Spoiler alert! Screw this, peace!” and with that, Heath Ledger clicked his heels together twice and POOF! he was gone from my kitchen, leaving only a few drips of mucus behind where he had stood.

The wisdom I gained today will stay with me forever. How can one man owe so much to the world? He can’t. I hope this knowledge sets you free as it has for me. If we all stay selfish and keep checking our text messages while others struggle to survive in the peep booth next to us, we may very well come as close to God as one could hope.

Fin!  

So….

I have moved to Brooklyn officially. All my stuff is in my apartment and I should probably grow an ironic mustache now….okay maybe I’ll do without the ‘stache. I need to think of things to write about that you may be interested in. I could make things up, then I could get a lot of followers, yes? 

Okay, here it goes: 

I was walking west on Metropolitan Ave. when I happened upon a small child, unconscious on the sidewalk. When I say unconscious, I should probably clarify; the kid was jumping up and down and screaming at the top of it’s lungs. Maybe you are curious as to why I have not specified the gender of said child? The answer, Bianca, is that I haven’t thought that far ahead yet. Male, the child was a male. Not a grown male as one would assume when reading the description, ‘male’ but rather a young boy, perhaps even a ‘little boy’ if it pleases you. As Michael Keaton took his mask off, I realized that he, in fact, IS Batman! They are one in the same. A shocking revelation if you don’t pay close attention to Police Officer as they instruct you that this side of the pedestrian walkway is closed, you need to cross to the other side of the street. Stream of consciousness monster is said to be from Scotland. 

Thank you! 

On the next post from A Modern Animal: 

Teatime with the President of….

First post?

I’m not sure if I’m doing this right. I haven’t really blogged before, and I’m not sure if it’s something I want to do. Who cares what I have to say? Really? You do? OKAY! Wow, where do I start? Peanut butter cookies, oh man. Those are really somethin—do you ever watch youtube videos? There’s some grea—rock music isn’t what it used to be, I’ll tell you what. 

I played in a rock band called KID:NAP:KIN from 2004-2010. That band is on hiatus while I try to achieve uber-stardom with lots of drugs and scandalous music videos. I’m pretty sure I’m almost there, I just haven’t done enough drugs yet. 

I currently play guitar for SRP/Motown artist, Shontelle. She’s nice and she liked my guitar solo last week.

I grew up in California with a short stint in Colorado, then back to California. After high school I made my way west reeealllly far to the east coast. I went to school at Berklee College of Music in Boston, MA and have lived here for 8 years now. I’ve never lived in one spot that long and I have become attached. One month from now, Sept 2010, I’ll be moving to Brooklyn, NY. My grandmammy is from Brooklyn originally and I hope to find her old apartment and sit in the middle of it for six minutes. If I don’t get kicked out, I may make it six minutes and thirty-seven seconds. 

I’d like to figure out how to make interesting blog posts that people will actually read. Chances are, I will be the only person who reads this first post, and chances are, I have not done this correctly and this really isn’t even a post. 

Bianca and Jacob told me to start a tumblr site so I did. Thanks for the air mattress, guys. 

Love and unicorn tears, 

Dan (Ellis) (Dan)